Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The bourbon porkan pie.

Okay all you bitches. The holidays are almost upon us. Thanksgiving is a scant few hours away. Naturally, the best way to celebrate how awesome we are is to eat ourselves into oblivion (besides, trying to find blankets infected with smallpox to gift to people is getting more difficult as years pass, so this is the next best thing).

Now, despite being a heterosexual male who is incapable of folding laundry and has never once matched up his socks after said laundry was completed, forcing the daily event of "where are two matching socks?"... but that's not the point... Despite my shortcomings in the laundry department (not owning an iron or even knowing how to use one) I am capable of putting together food that is damn near edible.

Today, I'm going to drop a fucking five pound pan of knowledge on your ass in the shape of a pecan pie. Be warned, this is no ordinary pecan pie. This pie not only includes a healthy dose of Maker's Mark bourbon, but damn near an entire pound of smoked maple bacon. FUCK YES, AMERICA!

Shit, even Ben Affleck knows what's up.

Alright, so here's how it goes.
First, cut your bacon into smallish pieces (about an inch or so). Throw those salty motherfuckers into a big ass pan, should look something like this.

Cook that shit up until it's nice and crispy (not burnt though).

Let the bacon drain on some paper towels, but don't throw away that fucking fat! Save that ish in a bowl.

Now, make your crust.
The Dry
* 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
* 2 teaspoons sugar
* 1/8 teaspoon salt
The Wet & Fatty
* 4 tablespoons cold butter, diced
* 4 tablespoons bacon fat (goddamn right!)
* 1 large egg, lightly beaten
* Flour, for rolling the dough
* Handful of bacon, crumbled super fine (insaaaane!)

Mix the dry shit and then incorporate the fat. When the dough looks like yellow cornmeal, incorporate that slightly beaten egg. Throw some flour down and roll it out. Put it in the pie tray.

Now throw some parchment paper over that crust and put some weight on it. Put it in a 400 degree oven for 10 minutes, then remove the paper and weight and put it back in for another 5. Reduce heat to 350 and remove crust.

Making the filling.
* 5 tablespoons unsalted butter
* 1 cup packed light brown sugar
* 3/4 cup light corn syrup
* 1/2 teaspoon fine salt
* 2 cups chopped toasted pecans
* 1 cup cooked, chopped bacon
* 2 tablespoons Maker's Mark (or preferred bourbon)
* 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
* 3 eggs, lightly beaten

Heat the brown sugar, corn syrup, butter and salt in a saucepan over medium heat.

Stir that constantly until it boils. Keep stirring for one minute longer.

Remove from heat and stir in the pecans, bacon, bourbon and vanilla.

Allow the filling to cool for 5 minutes. Lightly beat the three eggs. Once the mixture has cooled, mix the beaten eggs into the filling. Pour filling into the crust and protect the crust edges with foil.

Cook the pie in a 350 degree oven for 45 minutes. Remove the foil during the last five minutes to allow crust to brown up a bit more. Let sit for at least an hour before devouring it.

In no way is this pie good for you, but it's fucking delicious and has alcohol AND pork in it, so who really gives a shit?

Enjoy and happy holidays!


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