There's a blog about me talking in my sleep, fo reals.

Yea, so apparently, I talk in my sleep... Courtney is recording it on a blog.
http://burstaneurysmsnores.blogspot.com/

Yup, I'm clearly retarded.

The bourbon porkan pie.

Okay all you bitches. The holidays are almost upon us. Thanksgiving is a scant few hours away. Naturally, the best way to celebrate how awesome we are is to eat ourselves into oblivion (besides, trying to find blankets infected with smallpox to gift to people is getting more difficult as years pass, so this is the next best thing).

Now, despite being a heterosexual male who is incapable of folding laundry and has never once matched up his socks after said laundry was completed, forcing the daily event of "where are two matching socks?"... but that's not the point... Despite my shortcomings in the laundry department (not owning an iron or even knowing how to use one) I am capable of putting together food that is damn near edible.

Today, I'm going to drop a fucking five pound pan of knowledge on your ass in the shape of a pecan pie. Be warned, this is no ordinary pecan pie. This pie not only includes a healthy dose of Maker's Mark bourbon, but damn near an entire pound of smoked maple bacon. FUCK YES, AMERICA!

New Years Eve

So I'm going to be spending New Years Eve on the East Coast this year.
Courtney's family lives just outside of Atlantic City, so I'm going to fly to Philly the morning on the 30th and then head to Absecon to kick it Jersey style.

I'm really looking forward to doing something completely different for NYE. I think we're going to stay at the Chelsea the first night, which should be really sweet, looks like a badass hotel.



We might also try to bounce up to NYC for a day, which is cool, since I've never been... in fact, I've never really seen the Atlantic (I went to Bermuda when I was 5, but that doesn't really count).

No idea what we're doing for NYE yet, but I don't care, I'm looking forward to it.

Then we're going to hop in her Turbo Beetle on the 3rd or 4th and drive back to the Chi. Kick Ass.

Feeling good

Things are pretty good right now. I'm totally fine with that.

I'm kinda frustrated right now.

Y'know, I try really hard to contribute to my department and my employer as a whole. For the longest time, I've felt like the IT Bitch, since I'm undoubtedly the lowest paid person in my 3-man department, and yet, I'M always the one coming in on my days off to fix shit. I was finally feeling like this was all paying off and people were taking notice at what I do for this place... All it takes is one little thing though and I'm right back at the bottom.

I have a transponder that allows me access to the parking garage without getting a ticket. It's convenient as hell, but it also affords me access to the garage after hours when I need to be here overnight for a project or something like that. I've had it for 3 years.

Today, I was asked to surrender it, because a new hire needs it and I had the 'spare' (even though I didn't have the spare, I had the one that belonged to my old boss). So now I don't have one. Yes, I know it's not a big deal, but it's definitely a perception thing. Three people in the department and only one doesn't have the magic key to the garage... me, the IT Bitch.

I'm just venting, my boss (who didn't agree with me giving it up) said that he was going to make sure a new one was ordered, but still it's kinda shitty and I'm feeling sorta kicked aside again. Hooray Monday.

I had a work related dream last night...

I received a call from a staff member who was having a difficult time with PCReservation (I'd explain it, but I'm sure you can figure it out, you're a sharp cookie).

I tried to walk them through the problem over the phone, but it wasn't working out. I told them I'd be right down. When I arrived, I asked which PC wasn't working. They pointed to the offending computer... it was a motherfucking toaster oven. I said "Of course PCRes isn't working, this toaster oven only has 8MB of RAM!"

True story.

Two days at court - or - how I made $34.40

Disclaimer: Uh, this is probably going to be one incredibly long and disjointed post. Read it or not, I don't give a shit.

Well, it finally happened. I was picked out of that giant hat the State of Illinois calls the "registered voters/driver's license having motherfuckers... uh, hat".

It was a standby summons, so I didn't officially have jury duty until the day before the court date... well, as long as it was after 4:30PM.
Sure enough, I called and had to go serve the state.

Arriving shortly before 9AM in Skokie (battling stupid traffic on Montrose/Edens for just over an hour), I entered the jury waiting room. Relatively comfy chairs, end tables, vending machines, at this point I was thinking "hey this is alright".

I began reading my book when I was interrupted by Lester Holt (judging by his epic mustache, it must've been circa 1986) explaining what a jury does... At this point, I was pretty confident that I'd be whipping through my book (Top Gear's Richard Hammond's memoir) for the unforeseeable future, I began to relax.

National Taco Day

Holy shit, it's NTD! (yea, that's right, I went there and acronymmed that bitch)
There's really no other reason to post this other than the fact that I enjoy tacos. In fact, I'm going to get some on my lunch break. Ino's veggie tacos are a thing of beauty.

Now, for your viewing pleasure, here's Michael Ian Black with his (incredibly tasteful) essay entitled 'Taco Party'.

Elegant Readings With Michael Ian Black: TACO PARTY - watch more funny videos

Oh, it's also National Vodka Day (NVD, yeah boyyee)... but I don't touch that shit anymore, that dirty bitch of a neutral grain spirit tormented me too many times in college. But, if you wanna go all Russian today, Na zdorovje! (but I wouldn't recommend it).

September

Wow, September went quick!
It's almost October. That means a few things. MOTHERFUCKING HALLOWEEN for one!

I love Halloween and haunted houses, all that shit. It's probably because I was a little bitch when I was younger and was terrified of anything remotely scary, including minor chords... yea, I'm pretty awesome like that.

In any case, what used to be a crippling fear has become a dangerous obsession. I think I'll attempt to watch as many bad slasher movies as possible this month.

Next week should be awesome, I potentially have jury duty (not really awesome, but not being at work either). Thursday night is Jimmy Eat World at the Riv, Friday night is Bad Religion and The Lawrence Arms at the Congress and Saturday night is Smoking Popes and Cap'n Jazz at Metro. Looking forward to that like whoah.

One month from now, I'll be in Washington DC at the Stewart/Colbert rally and I couldn't be more pumped. I even hipstered-out and got a new messenger bag to carry all my shit. Woot!

Rally to Restore Sanity/March to Keep Fear Alive!!

So Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert announced their twin rallies in Washington DC on October 30th, 2010. I'll admit, it sounded really intriguing. I then found out that my parents up and bought plane tickets to attend... I really didn't feel like being outdone, so I decided to go for it too. It's easily the most spontaneous thing I've done in a really long time and I'm definitely looking forward to it.

I fly out of O'Hare at the crack of dawn on Friday the 29th and arrive at Reagan airport in DC a little before 9AM. Armed with only my messenger bag which contains a change of clothes and my Nikon, I'll just wander around the city during the day. I've only been to DC once, in high school, on a trip that lasted 14 hours. I've never been to the Smithsonian or any of that stuff, so I'm pretty excited.

Jade and Sebastian live in Alexandria, VA and were kind enough to let me crash at their place for the weekend, so when they get off work, I'll catch up with them and that'll be my Friday.

The Rally is on Saturday (as far as I can tell at an indeterminate time still) but I'll be there with, what I'm hoping is a crowd that makes Glenn Beck and the rest of the Fox News assholes shit their pants a little bit. It's time for them to realize that they don't speak for the entirety of the country.

Then I fly out of Reagan on Sunday morning, home by 11:30. It's going to be a crazy weekend, but how often do you have the opportunity to do this? For $227 round trip to be able to experience this should be well worth it.

Holy shit, that's some serious packaging.

So my friend Tom just got a new apartment. I went along with him to Ikea, Home Depot and Target with the ultimate goal of building some furniture and at the very least prime some of the rooms for paint.

First off, Ikea is fucking insanity on a Sunday, we waited in the parking lot until Detroit's almost touchdown was overturned and then entered the fray. Two things to note: 1. Swedish meatballs are fucking epic. 2. You know a store is crazy when a chick says "I'm about at the edge here and I just want to start punching people." Awesome.

It's been a while

I haven't posted to this in a long time. Honestly, I haven't had much to say. I haven't been having the best couple of months. I haven't felt like myself for a few weeks. I'm feeling lost and confused, taken advantage of, used, discarded and through that, I feel like a shell of myself. I've been through pretty much every emotion that exists, multiple times and I still don't feel any better about things.

That's where I stop. This blog isn't supposed to be about me. Honestly, nobody wants to hear about it, one can only whine and complain before people get fed up.

I'm hoping to resurrect this site and begin a new one with a friend of mine. I'm looking forward to putting my focus elsewhere and stop dwelling on the shit sandwich I've been dining on since the end of July.

Godspeed, motherfuckers.

-Ian

Home Invasion Lite!

So I just had one of the more unusual experiences ever.

I was laying on my bed reading some internets and all of a sudden, my bedroom door opens. First off, this is weird because both of my roommates knock before opening the door and my girlfriend wasn't here, so there was no reason for my door to open.

It got even more bizarre when I realized I've never seen the person who was standing there. Some total stranger, standing in my door... I kinda didn't know what to say, I didn't have anything sharp on my desk and I was wearing boxers and a tshirt so I just looked at him and said "what's up, man?"

Man, I really need to work on this thing.

It's been dead and it's all my fault... but since I don't have any readers, it probably doesn't matter too much.

And you wonder why people pirate stuff.

Internet piracy is a pretty important part of many people's lives these days. Each separate industry only exists to fuck us and get rich. The two worst offenders are the MPAA and RIAA. Both need to be disbanded immediately.

Consider this. You decide to go out to see a movie. You pay your ass-ton of money, sit in your seat and start watching the movie, right? NO! You have to first sit through commercials. Now there have been attempts to prevent this from happening. The idea is that when you are at home, commercials are on, but you can change the channel or whatever... at the movie theater, changing the channel is no longer an option. The people who are advertising are advertising to a captive audience. You gotta sit there, no real choice in the matter (unless you hang out in the lobby and then you lose your seat to some prick.) Shortly after the commercials, the most offensive part of movie-going occurs... propaganda. It seems like you can't go to a movie now without seeing recruiting films for the armed forces. The fact that I have to PAY to see a National Guard or Army Reserves recruitment film (often set to some atrocious band that should've died in 2002... I'm looking at YOU, NICKELBACK) is totally not okay in my book.

After 10 minutes of commercials/propaganda and 25 minutes of mediocre previews, the movie starts. HOLY SHIT! Unfortunately, that's when the guy behind you with sleep apnea starts snoring and some asshole kid starts talking ON THE MOTHERFUCKING PHONE!

Guess what? I can sit on my couch and enjoy a movie without any of the bullshit and wallet raping and enjoy a beer or three. No thanks.

Of course, home entertainment is not without problems too. Recently, a brilliant cartoon was released and it absolutely captures my thoughts.



See, you buy a DVD and that's what you have to deal with. Bullshit, bullshit and more bullshit. Okay, so you get a NetFlix subscription, so yea, you still need to sit through the crap, but at least you didn't drop 20 bucks buying the DVD (or a rental... last time I looked at Blockbuster, it was $6.99 for a new release, are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!) but now the movie companies are crying like little bitches because "nobody is buying our shit anymore!" so they decided to fuck NetFlix. Now the studios can enact a delay on new releases before they go to NetFlix. Wanna see that new movie? Gotta wait a couple weeks, bitch. Thanks to Warner Bros. for setting that dangerous precedent. You could always stream something off NetFlix, which is awesome, but their selection needs some help.

So you download your movies. Super high-quality downloads in a matter of minutes at times... do whatever you want now. Hey movie industry! Want us to stop downloading your IP, stop fucking with the legitimate stuff! Look at China. Bootlegging is so huge there that companies have started undercutting the bootleggers to sell their legit shit...

TV is officially fucked now too. As of today, Comcast has removed 14 channels from their analog cable. Want those back? Time to upgrade to digital cable. Fuck off.

I'm running out of steam here so I'll wrap it up. If you want people to actually support you, stop fucking the consumer over. Keep it up and you'll see how badly internet piracy can really ruin you.

Kiss my ass, Rhonda Smith.

Some of you may know Rhonda Smith... she's the one in the pistachio colored jacket who wept while recalling her 'harrowing experience' behind the wheel of a possessed Lexus.

Considered to be a key witness against Toyota (although her testimony is sketchy at best) it was revealed that shortly after the incident, she sold the car to another family.

Now I can't say for sure, but I'm 99.9999999999999999999999% sure "possessed death trap" didn't appear even ONCE in her for sale ad.

This doesn't sit well with me. I want to know what Ms Smith did immediately following her alleged joyride. Did she go to Toyota (since the car was still under warranty) and explain what happened? Or did she just cover it up and sell it to some other unknowing family until this happened and she realized she could make a buck off her story? That's what I'm thinking.

In any case, assuming her story is true, selling that car without full disclosure seems to be a pretty dishonest thing to do...

The new owners have reported 27,000 trouble free miles, BTW.

Serious bucket drumming right here.

Goddamn.

OMFG, your car is gonna CRASH!!

Okay, the panic generated by this whole Toyota recall thing is getting to be a bit much. Yes, there's a problem with the accelerator module on several Toyota vehicles... here's the thing though; the problem rests entirely on the shoulders of the US manufacturing company CTS. The only vehicles that have the sticky pedal issue are ones that have an accelerator module made by CTS (in the United States). Toyota (and subsidiary) vehicles with the Japan-made module by Denso do not have this problem.

What am I saying here? I'm saying the US doesn't have a fucking clue how to manufacture goods. The US auto industry can't get their shit together to make a car last more than 100k miles (if it can even get to that point without massive repairs) the US auto industry is floundering, nobody can deny that.

However, when you have a situation like this, where the number one Japanese automaker has cars that will go all 'Christine' on your ass, suddenly, the garbage churned out by the big three don't seem as dangerous. Why? After all, wouldn't YOU rather have a car that simply breaks down every 10k miles (or maybe just doesn't start some mornings) or a car that can LITERALLY MURDER YOU BECAUSE OF A STICKY PEDAL? That's what I thought.

See, this is a fantastic time to convince people that Japanese cars are dangerous, buy American! The US auto industry needs a boost, and now it has it. It's a brilliant strategy. Unfortunately, people don't realize that the reason these 'murder machines' have sticky pedals is because they were made by the same people who make the trash coming out of Detroit (or in this case, Elkhart, IN). CTS is making the faulty product, NOT Toyota.

Vehicular politics aside, fact is, Toyota vehicles either made or assembled in the US using the American made CTS gas pedal assembly are using a substandard product. Cars using the superior Denso assembly are fine.

It's time to stop taking advantage of an unfortunate situation to bolster sales of American made cars. They're no better, in fact, who's to say that there aren't red blooded American Fords out there using products by CTS?

My Scion xB was manufactured and assembled in Japan and brought here on a boat. It's a true import. I know several people who have put 200,000+ miles on theirs without anything more than oil changes and new brake pads. That's Toyota quality, not Toyota design with guts made here...

I guess what I'm trying to say is, yes, if you have a car that falls under the scope of the recall, get it fixed, but don't panic. Don't sell your car and buy a Taurus, and most importantly, realize who is really responsible for the manufacture of the faulty units.

SIDE NOTE: My old 1995 Toyota Camry was an "evil Japanese car"... that was manufactured in Kentucky. The 2000 Chevy Impala that my sister drives is a "full-on GM piece of American awesomeness" and it was manufactured in Canada of all places.
Pull your "made in America" head out of your ass and realize that despite this issue, the reliability record of Toyota (and other Japanese automakers) blow the big three out of the water.

My thoughts on the iPad

Okay, okay, menstrual jokes aside, Apple's iPad was supposedly this super revolutionary product that would change the computing world forever. This was supposed to be Steve Jobs' ticket to superstardom, or whatever.

Instead, what we get is a giant iPod Touch... quite literally.
My iPhone has more functionality than this thing... like the ability to take pictures and, y'know, call people.

The first issue is that, rather than loading it with a slimmed down version of OS X, it is instead utilizing the iPhone OS. That OS leave quite a lot to be desired. I've had an iPhone for 3 years and the inability to multitask (save for a handful of Apple branded apps) can be incredibly problematic. To bring that same shortcoming to the 'do everything magic tablet' is inexcusable.

Oh yea, Apple needs to cool it with the fuckin dongles. You need one to do EVERYTHING now. The iPad only has a 30-pin dock connector, no native USB, SD card, etc. If you want to plug ANYTHING into it, you gotta shell out an extra 20 or whatever bucks for the USB dongle.

I get it, Jony Ive is a fuckin design rockstar, but occasionally, form needs to follow function. It seems that functionality of a product is often secondary to the form factor. Look at the newest iPod Shuffle. They can't make it any thinner because it needs to support a 1/8" stereo mini jack (and the day that I need a dongle to plug in headphones is the day that I move into a cave) so the only way they could make it smaller was to ELIMINATE ALL OF THE BUTTONS! How do you control it now? Oh, you use our headphones (which are subpar) or talk to it. I love gadgets and all, but whispering sweet nothings into my iPod's ear is where I draw the line. This trend of making things smaller, but then having to shoehorn a way to actually make it work is a dangerous one. I fear to see what's next.

Apple tried this before, it was called the Newton... that too was a pretty big failure; sadly, I don't foresee this taking off. I guess it's kinda cool, in a way, but think for a minute... is this a product that you NEED in your life? Probably not. The only people who will be buying this are the total Apple whores and old people with disposable income who don't want a computer because they're too scary.

I have more to say, but I fear this is already borderline unreadable (or at the very least, uninteresting) so I'll stop here.

Oh, I almost forgot. Everyone's favorite nerd-punk frontman and fake jingle writer, Parry Gripp also put down his iPad thoughts in a more melodic way... and, let's be honest, way better than mine.

I'm a shitty blogger

People have been telling me that I've been neglecting my blog... this, my friends is true...

I simply don't have anything witty to say right now, but I'm sure I will... tonight, or tomorrow. Either way, I gotta start treating this bitch right.

Posts to come, I promise!